DON’T FLAKE WITH US

Adults that are nonparents have no idea what us adults that are parents go through just to adult. Adulting is our privileged escape. It’s rare & hallowed to us. The hoops we jump though in order to make adulting happen are many.

And it doesn’t happen at the drop of a hat. Parents can’t just go adult whenever we feel like it. No. Adulting for a parent takes weeks sometimes months to carve out time. Please keep that in mind when inviting a parent to come out & play.

When a chance to adult is sprung on us; this is typically how the events leading up to the adulting event go down….

It all starts with a call from a nonparent that we haven’t heard from in ages because they’re busy adulting & we’re busy parenting.

 

HEEEYYY!!! Whatcha up to tonight let’s do dinner ok we should totally hang out! What a week!”

TWAT1A

(Translation: I’m bored from working all week & all of my nonparent friends are busy so I’m reaching out to my last option in hopes that you can drop everything last minute just for me.)

 

Tonight?? Oh…ummm, yeah totally, sounds good. Let me just arrange some things….”

TWAT2A

(Translation: Fuck. Seriously? You know I have a 22 month old and share a car with my husband. You’re totally selfish & insensitive for inviting me last minute; & I know 100% I was the last person you called because everyone else is busy….but I really want to adult, so fine I’m in.)

 

Once off the phone our brain gears are thrust into hyperdrive; thus launching us into the dreaded inner monologue.

“We must go. We can’t not. We can make this happen. We hardly ever get to adult. We can’t let any opportunity pass us by. If we decline, we might get labeled as one of those non-adulting parents that always decline because they’re too busy parenting, so nonparents just stop inviting them to adult because they always decline!!

Then we’ll never. Adult. Again….”

TWAT13

 

No…no we can do this. We must.”

TWAT14

 

Just a quick text to hubby….

TWAT3Ab

And….Bring forth the CHAOS….

 

OK gotta get little one’s nap in a little early so I can move her dinner earlier so she can eat before I leave for adulting then I can get ready while she sleeps!”

TWAT7Ad

 

“I should probably make lunch first DUH & then get a jump on those dishes & definitely start that laundry I was going to do tonight!”

TWAT7Ac

 

Meanwhile….

“Make sure you make them square.”

TWAT6Ac

 

Alrighty little one, all done, bed time for you! Heat a bottle, change your diaper, then rock you for an hour and we’re good!”

TWAT7Ad

 

CLOTHES! MAKEUP! HAIR! Where are my black flats!?!

NO ONE IS HERE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION!!

TWAT7Ac

 

Somehow (basically because Moms are awesome that’s how) we manage to pull it off. Everything is in order & little one is sound asleep.

Now the anticipation builds. We’re like a horse at the starting line hoofing & snorting; heart racing at the excitement, maxed adrenaline. We’re at full throttle.

It’s go time baby! Raise the gates! Commence freedom happy dance! Let the adulting BEGIN!

TWAT9Ac

 

Then….the unthinkable happens….

TWAT10Ab

 

TWAT11A

 

After much deliberation, I’ve decided that this is the best response:

TWAT12Ab

#truth.

If a nonparent flakes on a parent on adulting night; just know, whether we actually text it to you or not; we think you’re a real twat shitter.

And nobody likes a twat shitter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PHONE PISS DAISY

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